It has always depressed me on how many times I’ve started and stopped my “journey”. It is like the old “one step forward, two steps back” quote. After battling my battles for over 5 decades now, yes my whole life, I realize it’s not stopping and starting, it is just they journey taking different direction or course. The journey doesn’t stop, it just changes.
I’ve spent a life time trying to figure who I am. I’ve spent most of the time trying to please people, to be accepted, to be wanted, to feel loved. These are the things I lacked from my family. I was raised in a family void discipline, structure and love. I never felt a part of anything in my family except just existence. I look at how I survived my younger life and the conclusion is my imagination. I was able to create a world in my mind that allowed me to let my mind convince my that what I was experiencing was “normal.” In reality, normal is a sticky word, but for me normal for me meant an environment capable of raising productive responsible adults in the future. I convinced myself my home was providing that, but nothing could have been further from the truth.
We have NO control of the family we are born in to. We have no control of the environment that we are raised in. The people that are to be there to help us, protect us and give us the guidance that we need may not always come through as they should. Yes you can most likely tell by now I have lived a life resenting my life. Struggling with who I am and why life was the was that it was. This hasn’t hit me any harder than it has this past year. 2020, a year that has been the year of all years during our life time. I lost my mom who passed away 2/29/20. A year I lost my dad, physically he is still here, but his years of Alzheimer’s had finally cost him his memory and doesn’t even know me.
So here I am. 57 years into this life that God has given me and I still don’t know who I am. Well guess what? It is time to figure that out. Years of counseling. Years of self-help books and recordings. A life time of religion and figuring out where my mind truly is with it.
Now my journey takes another turn. I have been really evaluating my life the past couple of weeks. So here I go, a new point of my journey. A journey to a healthier happier and joyful life.