This is a post of mine from Facebook. It cuts to the chase of where I am at in my life:
For many years now, life has been a struggle. I have fought personal battles with many areas of my life. I have found myself regretting so many decisions I have made throughout my life. The thoughts get very intense and anxiety consumes every inch of my body. Many sleepless nights while thoughts of my past run through my head. The missed opportunities, the fear that paralyzes thoughts and actions. It’s hard, it’s DAMN hard.
I’ve spent hours if not days rehashing decisions that have sent my life into a spiral. I agonize over the lost friendships. I battle the anger of time wasted on people that never really cared about our relationship. I cry for the hurt and pain that I have caused others and only wish I could take it back.
I cry for the lack of faith that I show my Higher Power, in my case God and His son Jesus Christ. My ignoring the fact that He does have a plan, but I have been too emotionally loud to hear Him.
I struggle with my inability to mourn the passing of my mother and the loss of my dad to his horrible disease that has taken his memory. The anger that I let consume me for what has happened to me in the past.
I know to many this may appear to be some type of self pity party, well it’s not. It’s a moment of reflection. It’s a stiff drink of reality. As I battle with all of this, I come to one astonishing conclusion. Not only can I not go back and change anything that has happened, I wouldn’t do it. Yes many aspects of life may have been better. It may have led down a path to some other tragedy if I did things differently. What I do know is everything I have done and every decision I have made, brings to we’re I am today. That place is being the Dadaw of this precious angel and I wouldn’t change that for the world.