I’m Not Supposed to be Here

Everyday I wakeup and wander how did I get here. How did I let my life collapse so much over the past ten plus years that I don’t even know who I am. I get paralyzed by anxiety. I shutdown from fear of making another major mistake. I sit in shame of the damage I have financially done to my wife and myself.

My mind constantly is going over all the decisions I should have made differently. The blind trust I put in others. The disappointment I’ve caused those who put blind trust in me. I fall apart at the life I could have had if I would have just stuck with the status quo 14 years ago, even though I was miserable then just as I am now. The difference then was I had a good income and a career.

I’m quickly typing while I sit on break at my housekeeping job. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve gone from IT management to hospital housekeeper. I’ve gone from cleaning hard drives and networks to toilets and floors, such a motivating life. This is NOT how it’s supposed to be. I am NOT supposed to be here or am I?

I have suffered so much the past two years. Health issues, loss of loved ones, imploding career, failing businessman and a never ending battle with anxiety. You may ask yourself why the sudden meltdown, well because of a conversation I just had with a coworker. I broke my own rule and just listened to him go on about other coworkers. I told myself weeks ago too avoid the break room so to not become part of this life sucking atmosphere, but I didn’t. I have too much to offer skill wise, so why am I here? (Rhetorical question)

I know why I’m here, I GAVE UP! I lost faith in my skills. I quit taking care of myself. I let anxiety control me. I became anti social. I gave up on hope. I’ve become jealous. I’ve become complacent. I gave up on myself. Sitting here subjecting myself to this workplace hostility proves it.

I need to be the change maker. I need to turn my ship in a different direction. I have some hard decisions and times ahead, but for me to head in the direction to find happy and joy, only I, with the help of God can get me there.

Time for change.

Time for joy.

Time for happiness.

Time for a life.

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