This is a post of mine from Facebook. It cuts to the chase of where I am at in my life:
For many years now, life has been a struggle. I have fought personal battles with many areas of my life. I have found myself regretting so many decisions I have made throughout my life. The thoughts get very intense and anxiety consumes every inch of my body. Many sleepless nights while thoughts of my past run through my head. The missed opportunities, the fear that paralyzes thoughts and actions. It’s hard, it’s DAMN hard.
I’ve spent hours if not days rehashing decisions that have sent my life into a spiral. I agonize over the lost friendships. I battle the anger of time wasted on people that never really cared about our relationship. I cry for the hurt and pain that I have caused others and only wish I could take it back.
I cry for the lack of faith that I show my Higher Power, in my case God and His son Jesus Christ. My ignoring the fact that He does have a plan, but I have been too emotionally loud to hear Him.
I struggle with my inability to mourn the passing of my mother and the loss of my dad to his horrible disease that has taken his memory. The anger that I let consume me for what has happened to me in the past.
I know to many this may appear to be some type of self pity party, well it’s not. It’s a moment of reflection. It’s a stiff drink of reality. As I battle with all of this, I come to one astonishing conclusion. Not only can I not go back and change anything that has happened, I wouldn’t do it. Yes many aspects of life may have been better. It may have led down a path to some other tragedy if I did things differently. What I do know is everything I have done and every decision I have made, brings to we’re I am today. That place is being the Dadaw of this precious angel and I wouldn’t change that for the world.
We all face issues daily that challenge us. Whether it is a decision on should I really have that little bite of cake to handling emotional issues of a broken life. Yes two extreme situations, but situations we deal with daily.
I’m currently working more than one job, as so many are doing these days. The struggle for me is it never had to be this way, it was poor decisions I made that got me here, so I struggle daily with that guilt. I know I need to release myself of the guilt, but it is so hard to do when you deal daily with the financial aspects of it all.
The emotional overload goes even greater than just the financial aspect of it all. My job in housekeeping in a hospital puts me in a position where I go to the hospice area of the hospital. The area where 17 months ago I lost my mom and 6 months ago my father-in-law. Emotionally it is hard for me because it is a constant reminder of all of the great loss I have suffered over the past several years.
It is challenging to get up daily knowing the fights I must fight to continue on. It is challenging to know that feeling trapped and cornered can leave one feeling helpless. It is challenging to look hard to see who is really on your side and truly there for you.
I struggle daily with challenges. I look for hope. I look for the silver lining. I look for change that can bring joy back to my life. It’s not easy and no one said it would be, but now is the time let go. Let go of the guilt and rebuild. I know I’m not alone. I know I can find peace. I know from peace I can once again find joy.
I stared across the table as he took another bite of his food. He put his fork down and once again stared off in space. He would ask me an occasional question or make a comment, but mostly it was just his thoughts and his food that he was focused on.
As he finished his dinner, he once again thanked me for sitting with him to have dinner. He thought it was nice that a you man like me would sit with him in this room full of strangers. He again asked me my name for the fifth or sixth time. He said I looked familiar and was curious if we had ever met before. I had answered the question a few times already, but this time I just said, “No, It just looked like you could use some company.” He thanked me and thought that was very nice of me.
Yes, this gentleman and I had met before, the first time was over fifty years ago when I was born. This man that I was a stranger to is my dad. Alzheimer’s and dementia have taken his memory. He knows no one and even forgets who he is. As his child, it is hard to watch. Even though or relationship was terrible, it is still hard to watch any human suffer. He is living in a very lonely world, but is totally oblivious to it.
I wasted many years of my life trying to have a relationship with this man, but for some reason he was NEVER interested. We lived in the same house. My parents divorced after 51 years of marriage. He just never wanted me in his life. To answer your question am I an only child? No I’m number three of six. I’m the child lost in the shuffle. My dad had the kids he wanted, my two older brothers and my mom got her daughters, twins as a matter of fact, a couple of years younger than me. I have a younger brother who is the baby of the family.
It was another visit with my dad. Another heart breaking moment to see someone that has lost his memory and lives in a world of loneliness. He has forgotten everyone and even where he is from. I have been caring for him for the past 9 years. A responsibility I took on when my entire family kicked him to the curb, yes even my mom. Caring for someone that made your life so difficult is hard, but many times doing the right thing is hard.
I tell you this because my journey to wellness is hard. It’s not only about the physical health, but also the mental health and to a point mental may be a little more important than the physical. Physically we know what to do, eat right, exercise and get the correct amount of sleep. Mentally are we there to accomplish that, me personally, No!
I have struggled throughout my life. The past 14 years have been the worst. I have made poor decision after poor decision. I have brought my wife and I to the edge of financial ruin and have flushed my career down the toilet. I have set back and let life beat the ever living crap out of me, while working hard to please others. Enough is enough.
I sat and thought, read, meditated, self-helped podcast until my ear wax was trained and still no major changes. I have sought counseling, intensive programming and medication. Some relief but still missing the joy. The empty space is still there and searching to fill that void has been difficult. My life of being the “square peg” in a world of “round holes” has worn me out. But lately I have started to feel a big positive change.
Finding that missing piece (peace) has been difficult. I now have found what has been missing and that is a stable relationship. A relationship that I have taken for granted and neglected in so many ways. That is the relationship with my God, my Lord and Savior. My parents may not have lived or practiced God’s Words, but at least they made sure every Sunday while I was growing up I was there to hear His Words in church.
I reflect on how bad life has been the past several years, but I also know how much worse it could have been. I think about the moments when I know it could have been worse, but God does have my back. Now that I have worked at it a little harder and can see the light at the end of the tunnel, hope has returned. With hope, I can find some peace and with peace, JOY WILL return.
I walked my dad back to his room. He wants me to stay, but visiting hours are over, there are still some limitations because of COVID. I know he doesn’t remember me, but I know who he is. He is my father and I must honor him, just as I must honor my Heavenly Father. So for my dad, I can’t heal him, but if I can bring him 5 minutes of enjoyment and a smile to his face. The visit was worth it.
Stay tuned as I continue my journey and quit weighting to be.
It has always depressed me on how many times I’ve started and stopped my “journey”. It is like the old “one step forward, two steps back” quote. After battling my battles for over 5 decades now, yes my whole life, I realize it’s not stopping and starting, it is just they journey taking different direction or course. The journey doesn’t stop, it just changes.
I’ve spent a life time trying to figure who I am. I’ve spent most of the time trying to please people, to be accepted, to be wanted, to feel loved. These are the things I lacked from my family. I was raised in a family void discipline, structure and love. I never felt a part of anything in my family except just existence. I look at how I survived my younger life and the conclusion is my imagination. I was able to create a world in my mind that allowed me to let my mind convince my that what I was experiencing was “normal.” In reality, normal is a sticky word, but for me normal for me meant an environment capable of raising productive responsible adults in the future. I convinced myself my home was providing that, but nothing could have been further from the truth.
We have NO control of the family we are born in to. We have no control of the environment that we are raised in. The people that are to be there to help us, protect us and give us the guidance that we need may not always come through as they should. Yes you can most likely tell by now I have lived a life resenting my life. Struggling with who I am and why life was the was that it was. This hasn’t hit me any harder than it has this past year. 2020, a year that has been the year of all years during our life time. I lost my mom who passed away 2/29/20. A year I lost my dad, physically he is still here, but his years of Alzheimer’s had finally cost him his memory and doesn’t even know me.
So here I am. 57 years into this life that God has given me and I still don’t know who I am. Well guess what? It is time to figure that out. Years of counseling. Years of self-help books and recordings. A life time of religion and figuring out where my mind truly is with it.
Now my journey takes another turn. I have been really evaluating my life the past couple of weeks. So here I go, a new point of my journey. A journey to a healthier happier and joyful life.