Changes Made, Changes Seen

I hit rock bottom or at least my current rock bottom. I feel all walls of my life are collapsing on me. The feelings of loss, isolation, anger, failure, deception to name a few. The abandonment that I have felt over my life time and now here I am. Here I am staring down another fork in the road of my life and decisions need to be made, well I am more than ready.

I started this blog in order to track my journey to a healthier happier life. I’ve realized I have worked hard at digging myself in a deeper and deeper mental and physical hole. I have been reaching for something that wasn’t there. I was working towards a goal that was misleading and full of self destruction. Yes I was lost I. A world that I was not prepared to be in. The goal for my journey is still the same, it’s that I just need to change my approach on how to make all the changes.

The first reality I needed to face is how on my own I truly am. The world of social media and the false since of true friendships and relationships have been destroyed by our fascination with technology and the vast array if cyber relationships that we have. I’m sitting here typing my feelings and laying all my emotions on the line for the whole world to see. The strange part of all of this, I feel there is no family member or friend in my life that really cares to hear this. Yes there are professionals paid to listen to me and help me with my “issues”, but no one close to me to help down this path.

ENOUGH OF THE PITY PARTY!

I realized a couple of months ago the crash course my life was on. I had jeopardized everything in my life. Finances, health, relationships, family, trust in myself and most of all my faith. I had to drastically make some changes and get my life back on my track. I made a pledge to myself to do whatever it takes to truly accomplish my goals and dreams. So I started.

My first step is my health. I realized until I have my health in order, none of the rest would matter. Without my health, I would constantly be battling my ability to truly accomplish my goals. Feeling tired, sick and overwhelmed battling my multiple health issues would constantly keep me from success so back to a weight loss plan. WW, I’m back.

Success #1 – I have been following the weight loss plan the best that I can. I have successfully lost 26 lbs over the past three months following the plan. Not only is the weight coming off, but I’m seeing good results with some of my health issues, blood sugars and blood pressure.

Success #2 – I realized my need for income. My business is struggling and I realize the financial damage I have allowed to happen. So to start I took a weekend job at a large warehouse sorting through boxes disbursing products. I worked from 7 pm to 5:30 am. Whatever it takes. Shortly after starting this position I was offered a 2nd shift job in housekeeping for a local hospital, I accepted it and begin tomorrow. Whatever it takes. I will no longer be sorting boxes at the warehouse due to the conflict of hours, but the job allows me to continue to grow my business.

The journey continues, the struggles are real, but as long as I can take a moment and list successes, then the journey is worth it.

The Battle of the Journey

It has always depressed me on how many times I’ve started and stopped my “journey”. It is like the old “one step forward, two steps back” quote. After battling my battles for over 5 decades now, yes my whole life, I realize it’s not stopping and starting, it is just they journey taking different direction or course. The journey doesn’t stop, it just changes.

I’ve spent a life time trying to figure who I am. I’ve spent most of the time trying to please people, to be accepted, to be wanted, to feel loved. These are the things I lacked from my family. I was raised in a family void discipline, structure and love. I never felt a part of anything in my family except just existence. I look at how I survived my younger life and the conclusion is my imagination. I was able to create a world in my mind that allowed me to let my mind convince my that what I was experiencing was “normal.” In reality, normal is a sticky word, but for me normal for me meant an environment capable of raising productive responsible adults in the future. I convinced myself my home was providing that, but nothing could have been further from the truth.

We have NO control of the family we are born in to. We have no control of the environment that we are raised in. The people that are to be there to help us, protect us and give us the guidance that we need may not always come through as they should. Yes you can most likely tell by now I have lived a life resenting my life. Struggling with who I am and why life was the was that it was. This hasn’t hit me any harder than it has this past year. 2020, a year that has been the year of all years during our life time. I lost my mom who passed away 2/29/20. A year I lost my dad, physically he is still here, but his years of Alzheimer’s had finally cost him his memory and doesn’t even know me.

So here I am. 57 years into this life that God has given me and I still don’t know who I am. Well guess what? It is time to figure that out. Years of counseling. Years of self-help books and recordings. A life time of religion and figuring out where my mind truly is with it.

Now my journey takes another turn. I have been really evaluating my life the past couple of weeks. So here I go, a new point of my journey. A journey to a healthier happier and joyful life.