It’s All in Our Choices

I’m continuing to evaluate my mental health and working hard to improve it. I have been living in a mental fog for over a decade and sentenced myself to self isolation. I have little to no social life. Friends have disappeared and I have no family relationships, other than my wife and daughter.

I have lost joy in most things in life because I can’t afford the thing that always brought me joy. I sit in my self imposed depression watching everyone else around living life while I sit here stuck. Stuck in an endless circle of self pity and hate. Angering myself at a past that I can’t change and panicking over a future that hasn’t happened. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I realize life will never be perfect. I realize continually beating myself up for all of my past mistakes, is getting me nowhere. I need to stop in the present and look around at the gifts I do have. Appreciate the moment and if I catch myself looking at the future, realize it’s awesome possibilities.

It is time for JOY. It is time for HAPPINESS. It is time I raise my head enjoy this life God has given me. I need to let go of the anxiety that is consuming me. I need to face my demons, face my misfortunes, but most of all admit my wrongs and move forward.

What has spurred this on, my job. I have been working housekeeping in a hospital. When I work on the weekends, I am in the ICU and it is a sad place to be especially during this pandemic. I see people facing the end of their life and it is too hard to handle. I imagine that it is me in the room and how sad it would be if my life ended today. ITS TIME TO WAKEUP!

So now it’s time to make choices. So here is what I choose.

1. Faith. Live my life as my higher power would want me to. My higher power is God. God the Father and his Son Jesus Christ. I will renew and grow my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

2. Health. Without good health the rest won’t matter. I started this blog for my journey to a better health, physical and mental. Time to make this priority a top priority.

3. Live, Laugh, Love. I haven’t done any of these who heartedly for longer than I can remember. I need to return to the fun loving man I was and always ready for a new adventure.

This is where I’ll start. Working on these areas of my life will lead to improvement in all other areas of my life. I’m ready to start now. As soon I post this I am getting up and heading to a local park for a walk and let the healing begin.

So who is with me? Time to get a grip on life. Time to enjoy this life. Accountability is key so I’m making myself accountable to those that read this blog. I can’t and WILL do this. It’s all on our choices.

3.

Daily Challenges

We all face issues daily that challenge us. Whether it is a decision on should I really have that little bite of cake to handling emotional issues of a broken life. Yes two extreme situations, but situations we deal with daily.

I’m currently working more than one job, as so many are doing these days. The struggle for me is it never had to be this way, it was poor decisions I made that got me here, so I struggle daily with that guilt. I know I need to release myself of the guilt, but it is so hard to do when you deal daily with the financial aspects of it all.

The emotional overload goes even greater than just the financial aspect of it all. My job in housekeeping in a hospital puts me in a position where I go to the hospice area of the hospital. The area where 17 months ago I lost my mom and 6 months ago my father-in-law. Emotionally it is hard for me because it is a constant reminder of all of the great loss I have suffered over the past several years.

It is challenging to get up daily knowing the fights I must fight to continue on. It is challenging to know that feeling trapped and cornered can leave one feeling helpless. It is challenging to look hard to see who is really on your side and truly there for you.

I struggle daily with challenges. I look for hope. I look for the silver lining. I look for change that can bring joy back to my life. It’s not easy and no one said it would be, but now is the time let go. Let go of the guilt and rebuild. I know I’m not alone. I know I can find peace. I know from peace I can once again find joy.