Dealing with Rejection

As I keep battling anxiety, I have been trying to deal with the root cause of it. I have tried so hard to figure it out so I can release it and let it go. I gave myself a GREAT talking to the other day and I think I may be on to something.

I’ve mentioned in the past my need to “people please” so that I am liked. I’ve mentioned in the past how my parents were never really good at guiding, counseling and supporting me the way a parent should. I’ve mentioned in the past how I’ve always felt like the outsider in most settings, family, friends, social and work. I’ve always felt the need to say “yes” to please others while neglecting my own needs.

I’ve done ALL of this for fear of rejection. Growing up and feeling rejection from your own parents leaves a large hole in one’s soul. It really brings life to such a negative place that you can waste a lifetime thinking you can “fix it” and guess what, you can’t. It has taken me 57 years on this planet to figure this out. The moment the reality of it all hits you in the face, you awaken to all the damage.

Now how do you get past this point? How do you start to get it all turned around in your favor? Honestly, I’m not sure yet, but I have an idea. The first thing I need to do is Stop believing the lies. What lies are those? I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself.

Lie #1 – You aren’t a failure –

Just because things haven’t gone to plan. Just because something hasn’t worked out. Just because your business hasn’t succeeded, doesn’t mean you’re a failure. What that means is that you at least tried. Now take the experience and improve on it. Learn what you should have done, not done or maybe just done better. You’re not a failure, you are someone willing to try.

Lie #2 – You are loved –

Unconditional love is the best love in the world, unfortunately I have experienced very little of that in my life. Fortunately my wife and daughter have given me that and I get an over flowing amount of that from my precious grandchildren. Have have spent a majority of my life dwelling on the ones I should have received it from and not celebrating where I was receiving it is where I made a big mistake.

Lie #3 – You are worth it.

I have spent so much of my life feeling worthless, out of place and lacking true direction. I have just floated through life with no true guidance having to figure it out on my own and making mistake after mistake along the way. No parents to rely on and feeling alienated from everyone. I think this lie is the biggest of all and the one that has hurt me the most. I AM WORTH IT!

Now that I have shared what I believe to be three of the biggest lies, I have a lot to do to get past it. I have started that processes by realizing they aren’t true but now I must train myself to accept and live the truth. The truth I will find starts with my faith and trust in my Heavenly Father.

My healing begins. My journey continues. I search for the faith and love in myself.

God Bless.

I’m Not Supposed to be Here

Everyday I wakeup and wander how did I get here. How did I let my life collapse so much over the past ten plus years that I don’t even know who I am. I get paralyzed by anxiety. I shutdown from fear of making another major mistake. I sit in shame of the damage I have financially done to my wife and myself.

My mind constantly is going over all the decisions I should have made differently. The blind trust I put in others. The disappointment I’ve caused those who put blind trust in me. I fall apart at the life I could have had if I would have just stuck with the status quo 14 years ago, even though I was miserable then just as I am now. The difference then was I had a good income and a career.

I’m quickly typing while I sit on break at my housekeeping job. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve gone from IT management to hospital housekeeper. I’ve gone from cleaning hard drives and networks to toilets and floors, such a motivating life. This is NOT how it’s supposed to be. I am NOT supposed to be here or am I?

I have suffered so much the past two years. Health issues, loss of loved ones, imploding career, failing businessman and a never ending battle with anxiety. You may ask yourself why the sudden meltdown, well because of a conversation I just had with a coworker. I broke my own rule and just listened to him go on about other coworkers. I told myself weeks ago too avoid the break room so to not become part of this life sucking atmosphere, but I didn’t. I have too much to offer skill wise, so why am I here? (Rhetorical question)

I know why I’m here, I GAVE UP! I lost faith in my skills. I quit taking care of myself. I let anxiety control me. I became anti social. I gave up on hope. I’ve become jealous. I’ve become complacent. I gave up on myself. Sitting here subjecting myself to this workplace hostility proves it.

I need to be the change maker. I need to turn my ship in a different direction. I have some hard decisions and times ahead, but for me to head in the direction to find happy and joy, only I, with the help of God can get me there.

Time for change.

Time for joy.

Time for happiness.

Time for a life.

Where Do I Go From Here

It’s this damn anxiety thing. I have so much negativity going on in life that it/me is keeping me from moving forward. The panic attacks are getting to me. Sleeping at times has become almost impossible. I checked out from reality for so long it is hard to get back. The damage my actions or lack of has greatly damaged my family.

The loneliness is killing me. The only people I seem to have to talk to are the professionals that are paid to listen to me. Family and friends have disappeared, I guess the depressed poor me attitude ran everyone off. When I go to work, I am surrounded by bad attitudes and negative personalities. Home isn’t any different, I think the cats are even fed up with me. So where do I go from here?

Get Past the Past

Financially I have an almost impossible mountain to climb. I have spent a lifetime seeking attention, needing to feel wanted. Trying to fit this square peg in a round hole. I can’t seem to shake the demons of my childhood and I let them define my adulthood. I have felt like a failure for over a decade and yet I do nothing to make “real” change. So here I go.

Get Past the Past

I’ve come to realize this needs to be my first step. The causes of my childhood trauma have moved on. They have either passed away or stopped communicating with me years ago. I allow people and events to control me that really have no connection with me anymore. I get anxious over situations that haven’t happen or occurred in the past. It is time to get past it all.

Remove the Toxic and Negative

This is a tough task, but not impossible. I’m surrounded by this and need to rid my life of it. This is what has caused a lot of my issues. Negative people and toxic relationships have been the norm. The positivity needs to start with me.

Square Peg Round Hole

I have felt like the square peg my whole life. Home, school and friendships. I have always felt like the odd man out. I was never option one in the social circles and dealt with a massive amount of ridicule for my weight and family. I never felt good enough so I worked hard at people pleasing, which made no difference.

Reconnect with Reality

Anxiety disconnects you and can push you from reality and cause you to shutdown, I did and it has been devastating. I need to work hard to correct my disastrous mistakes.

I need prayers. I need hope. I need to push forward and find the true enjoyment in life. That’s where I go from here.

Goodbye Old Friend

You have been there for most of my life, the one constant I could count on. It didn’t matter where I was in life, you were there for me to ALWAYS return to. You were there season after season, year after year, decade after decade. You were not just another house at 602 East Main Street, you were home.

After 50 years, that all ends. Tomorrow you become home to someone else. Home to another family that you will belong to. Home to another family that you can protect from the elements and give a lifetime of memories. Others can spend hours on your large porch visiting neighbors, friends and family. Children can once again run and play in the large yard where many a football, baseball, kick the can, hide and seek and many other adventures and games were enjoyed.

You were the popular spot for many kids in the community to come and play and even enjoy the occasional camp out. You were enjoyed by many and loved by all, you are home.

I have been discussing my anxiety and how it has consumed me, this has been part of it. The house has been empty since my mom passed away. It wasn’t taken care of and is showing it’s age. My mom couldn’t keep up with it and my siblings that lived with her didn’t lift a finger to take care of it. It is a sad situation.

For me, it’s been 35 years since it was my residents, but it was always home. All the neighbors have gone, the town has changed, most of my friends moved on, but you are still home. As I took my final walk through you on Tuesday, the emotions were hard to contain. All the memories good and bad came flooding back and I will always be grateful for you.

I’m hoping once I let you go tomorrow. a little of my anxiety will go with me knowing you will be in the hands of someone else wanting to give you some TLC. I will try to drive by occasionally and give you a wave. I know I haven’t really been there much over the past many years, but the family situation just didn’t allow it.

So tonight I salute you old friend. A house, a memory for a lifetime. Goodbye old friend.

Room 318

We need to listen, you never know when God may be talking to us. Most of my life I heard “listen to God when He speaks to you.” For years I waited to hear Him speak. I waited to hear His direct words to me. Directing my decisions or actions. Waiting for those words directed at me. It took years to understand it’s not always in words. It can come in actions or a situation that you experience. Today is one of those days.

I have mentioned in past posts that I am working housekeeping in a hospital. This was my weekend to work and like most hospitals with the recent rise in COVID cases our ICU is full. Yesterday while working my shift I noticed the “family cart” sitting outside the door of room 318. The family cart is one the hospital supplies to families as they wait vigilant for their loved one to pass.

Room 318 sits right next to the housekeeping closet so I passed the room several times. What struck me the most was the family cart was outside of the room, but there was no family in the room. There was just an elderly gentleman laying in a bed. I never looked closely at him, I just noticed he was always alone except for the occasional nurse in his room.

Tonight I was finishing up my duties I was returning my cart to the closet and something told me to glance in his room. He was alone in his room as usual. This time was different. I got a closer look. I saw him as he laid there in the bed. He looked peaceful, comfortable. Something was different but I couldn’t put my finger on it, it was just different.

I moved on to finish my schedule for the evening. I was finishing my tasks in another department. It couldn’t have been 15 minutes since I had had left ICU. One of my coworkers came looking for me that there was a room that needed cleaned stat since they had no available rooms. I needed to go to room 318. Yes, in the short time since I left the department he had passed. The peaceful resting man in his room all alone had passed.

I didn’t know the gentleman, I still don’t even know his name. What I do know is that for one brief moment I connected with him. He had someone notice him. In his final moments on this planet he was noticed, he was thought of by someone. The realization of the room I needed to go clean was shocking but seemed like a message. I don’t believe it was a coincidence that I took that final glance into his room.

Tonight was a reminder of how precious life is. What a gift we have and when it ends where do you want to be? I have been struggling with crippling anxiety. My life is in such a disastrous situation in so many ways. I have been paralyzed by my anxiety of my failures of the past and my perception of my the failure my future appears to be, yes my perception. It just took a moment like tonight to know God is speaking to me.

I was reminded of how fragile life is. I was reminded we don’t know the day or time we will be called home. How can I fear my future when I don’t know what it is. How can I regret my past since I never would have been here for that one moment today if I made different decisions in the past. Tonight is a life changer. Tonight brings clarity to light. Tonight brings me hope, joy and peace into my life. Tonight opens up my heart in how to truly listen for God’s Words. He spoke to me and I hopefully heard Him like He wanted me to. So now when I want to reflect on God’s true love for us, I only need to remember John 3:16 and Room 318.

Anxiety Go Away

I feel like Rip Van Winkle. I feel as though I fell asleep one day and the life I had and knew is now gone. I have awakened to a life that is everything I ever feared and more. It sickens me to know I have gotten to where I’m at and I ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN!

My business, my finances, my career, my life and my marriage all seem to be heading towards ruin. My ability to do what’s right has been stopped by fear. Fear of so many different things has stopped me from succeeding in life and I ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN!

I have been through counseling for over 20 years off and on. I went through an intensive outpatient program 18 months ago for depression, anxiety and PTSD. I have been given tools and medication to help “control” it. Bad things just keep on occurring and I ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN!

Yes, I allowed it to happen so I need to be the one to reverse it all. Find my joy and happiness. Live a life where a panic attack doesn’t strike me multiple times a day. I need to train my mind not to swim in my mistakes of the past. Dwell on all of my lost relationships. Constantly relive all the wrong that has happened to me and the wrong I have done to others. I need to quit becoming paralyzed by my fear of what the future might hold if things don’t change.

I need to quit beating myself up for not providing for my family for so many years. I need to quit living the lie that I was told that I would never amount to anything. I have to let go of all the ugliness of my childhood and realize it is NOT my fault. I do have to admit my errors and mend whatever fences that I can.

I have to lift my heart to my higher power and begin the healing. I need tho lift my heart to my higher power and strengthen my hope and faith. I need to lift my heart to my higher power and truly speak the words of forgiveness of myself. My wife reminds me that not being able to forgive myself is a sin.

My journey to a happy and healthier me continues. My physical health is greatly affected by my mental health so it’s time to get it in check. I need for this anxiety to take a hike. I want to sometime in the near future post about my joy and happiness and I ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN.

Daily Challenges

We all face issues daily that challenge us. Whether it is a decision on should I really have that little bite of cake to handling emotional issues of a broken life. Yes two extreme situations, but situations we deal with daily.

I’m currently working more than one job, as so many are doing these days. The struggle for me is it never had to be this way, it was poor decisions I made that got me here, so I struggle daily with that guilt. I know I need to release myself of the guilt, but it is so hard to do when you deal daily with the financial aspects of it all.

The emotional overload goes even greater than just the financial aspect of it all. My job in housekeeping in a hospital puts me in a position where I go to the hospice area of the hospital. The area where 17 months ago I lost my mom and 6 months ago my father-in-law. Emotionally it is hard for me because it is a constant reminder of all of the great loss I have suffered over the past several years.

It is challenging to get up daily knowing the fights I must fight to continue on. It is challenging to know that feeling trapped and cornered can leave one feeling helpless. It is challenging to look hard to see who is really on your side and truly there for you.

I struggle daily with challenges. I look for hope. I look for the silver lining. I look for change that can bring joy back to my life. It’s not easy and no one said it would be, but now is the time let go. Let go of the guilt and rebuild. I know I’m not alone. I know I can find peace. I know from peace I can once again find joy.

You’re My Dad

I stared across the table as he took another bite of his food. He put his fork down and once again stared off in space. He would ask me an occasional question or make a comment, but mostly it was just his thoughts and his food that he was focused on.

As he finished his dinner, he once again thanked me for sitting with him to have dinner. He thought it was nice that a you man like me would sit with him in this room full of strangers. He again asked me my name for the fifth or sixth time. He said I looked familiar and was curious if we had ever met before. I had answered the question a few times already, but this time I just said, “No, It just looked like you could use some company.” He thanked me and thought that was very nice of me.

Yes, this gentleman and I had met before, the first time was over fifty years ago when I was born. This man that I was a stranger to is my dad. Alzheimer’s and dementia have taken his memory. He knows no one and even forgets who he is. As his child, it is hard to watch. Even though or relationship was terrible, it is still hard to watch any human suffer. He is living in a very lonely world, but is totally oblivious to it.

I wasted many years of my life trying to have a relationship with this man, but for some reason he was NEVER interested. We lived in the same house. My parents divorced after 51 years of marriage. He just never wanted me in his life. To answer your question am I an only child? No I’m number three of six. I’m the child lost in the shuffle. My dad had the kids he wanted, my two older brothers and my mom got her daughters, twins as a matter of fact, a couple of years younger than me. I have a younger brother who is the baby of the family.

It was another visit with my dad. Another heart breaking moment to see someone that has lost his memory and lives in a world of loneliness. He has forgotten everyone and even where he is from. I have been caring for him for the past 9 years. A responsibility I took on when my entire family kicked him to the curb, yes even my mom. Caring for someone that made your life so difficult is hard, but many times doing the right thing is hard.

I tell you this because my journey to wellness is hard. It’s not only about the physical health, but also the mental health and to a point mental may be a little more important than the physical. Physically we know what to do, eat right, exercise and get the correct amount of sleep. Mentally are we there to accomplish that, me personally, No!

I have struggled throughout my life. The past 14 years have been the worst. I have made poor decision after poor decision. I have brought my wife and I to the edge of financial ruin and have flushed my career down the toilet. I have set back and let life beat the ever living crap out of me, while working hard to please others. Enough is enough.

I sat and thought, read, meditated, self-helped podcast until my ear wax was trained and still no major changes. I have sought counseling, intensive programming and medication. Some relief but still missing the joy. The empty space is still there and searching to fill that void has been difficult. My life of being the “square peg” in a world of “round holes” has worn me out. But lately I have started to feel a big positive change.

Finding that missing piece (peace) has been difficult. I now have found what has been missing and that is a stable relationship. A relationship that I have taken for granted and neglected in so many ways. That is the relationship with my God, my Lord and Savior. My parents may not have lived or practiced God’s Words, but at least they made sure every Sunday while I was growing up I was there to hear His Words in church.

I reflect on how bad life has been the past several years, but I also know how much worse it could have been. I think about the moments when I know it could have been worse, but God does have my back. Now that I have worked at it a little harder and can see the light at the end of the tunnel, hope has returned. With hope, I can find some peace and with peace, JOY WILL return.

I walked my dad back to his room. He wants me to stay, but visiting hours are over, there are still some limitations because of COVID. I know he doesn’t remember me, but I know who he is. He is my father and I must honor him, just as I must honor my Heavenly Father. So for my dad, I can’t heal him, but if I can bring him 5 minutes of enjoyment and a smile to his face. The visit was worth it.

Stay tuned as I continue my journey and quit weighting to be.

Dad and me

Changes Made, Changes Seen

I hit rock bottom or at least my current rock bottom. I feel all walls of my life are collapsing on me. The feelings of loss, isolation, anger, failure, deception to name a few. The abandonment that I have felt over my life time and now here I am. Here I am staring down another fork in the road of my life and decisions need to be made, well I am more than ready.

I started this blog in order to track my journey to a healthier happier life. I’ve realized I have worked hard at digging myself in a deeper and deeper mental and physical hole. I have been reaching for something that wasn’t there. I was working towards a goal that was misleading and full of self destruction. Yes I was lost I. A world that I was not prepared to be in. The goal for my journey is still the same, it’s that I just need to change my approach on how to make all the changes.

The first reality I needed to face is how on my own I truly am. The world of social media and the false since of true friendships and relationships have been destroyed by our fascination with technology and the vast array if cyber relationships that we have. I’m sitting here typing my feelings and laying all my emotions on the line for the whole world to see. The strange part of all of this, I feel there is no family member or friend in my life that really cares to hear this. Yes there are professionals paid to listen to me and help me with my “issues”, but no one close to me to help down this path.

ENOUGH OF THE PITY PARTY!

I realized a couple of months ago the crash course my life was on. I had jeopardized everything in my life. Finances, health, relationships, family, trust in myself and most of all my faith. I had to drastically make some changes and get my life back on my track. I made a pledge to myself to do whatever it takes to truly accomplish my goals and dreams. So I started.

My first step is my health. I realized until I have my health in order, none of the rest would matter. Without my health, I would constantly be battling my ability to truly accomplish my goals. Feeling tired, sick and overwhelmed battling my multiple health issues would constantly keep me from success so back to a weight loss plan. WW, I’m back.

Success #1 – I have been following the weight loss plan the best that I can. I have successfully lost 26 lbs over the past three months following the plan. Not only is the weight coming off, but I’m seeing good results with some of my health issues, blood sugars and blood pressure.

Success #2 – I realized my need for income. My business is struggling and I realize the financial damage I have allowed to happen. So to start I took a weekend job at a large warehouse sorting through boxes disbursing products. I worked from 7 pm to 5:30 am. Whatever it takes. Shortly after starting this position I was offered a 2nd shift job in housekeeping for a local hospital, I accepted it and begin tomorrow. Whatever it takes. I will no longer be sorting boxes at the warehouse due to the conflict of hours, but the job allows me to continue to grow my business.

The journey continues, the struggles are real, but as long as I can take a moment and list successes, then the journey is worth it.