Daily Challenges

We all face issues daily that challenge us. Whether it is a decision on should I really have that little bite of cake to handling emotional issues of a broken life. Yes two extreme situations, but situations we deal with daily.

I’m currently working more than one job, as so many are doing these days. The struggle for me is it never had to be this way, it was poor decisions I made that got me here, so I struggle daily with that guilt. I know I need to release myself of the guilt, but it is so hard to do when you deal daily with the financial aspects of it all.

The emotional overload goes even greater than just the financial aspect of it all. My job in housekeeping in a hospital puts me in a position where I go to the hospice area of the hospital. The area where 17 months ago I lost my mom and 6 months ago my father-in-law. Emotionally it is hard for me because it is a constant reminder of all of the great loss I have suffered over the past several years.

It is challenging to get up daily knowing the fights I must fight to continue on. It is challenging to know that feeling trapped and cornered can leave one feeling helpless. It is challenging to look hard to see who is really on your side and truly there for you.

I struggle daily with challenges. I look for hope. I look for the silver lining. I look for change that can bring joy back to my life. It’s not easy and no one said it would be, but now is the time let go. Let go of the guilt and rebuild. I know I’m not alone. I know I can find peace. I know from peace I can once again find joy.

You’re My Dad

I stared across the table as he took another bite of his food. He put his fork down and once again stared off in space. He would ask me an occasional question or make a comment, but mostly it was just his thoughts and his food that he was focused on.

As he finished his dinner, he once again thanked me for sitting with him to have dinner. He thought it was nice that a you man like me would sit with him in this room full of strangers. He again asked me my name for the fifth or sixth time. He said I looked familiar and was curious if we had ever met before. I had answered the question a few times already, but this time I just said, “No, It just looked like you could use some company.” He thanked me and thought that was very nice of me.

Yes, this gentleman and I had met before, the first time was over fifty years ago when I was born. This man that I was a stranger to is my dad. Alzheimer’s and dementia have taken his memory. He knows no one and even forgets who he is. As his child, it is hard to watch. Even though or relationship was terrible, it is still hard to watch any human suffer. He is living in a very lonely world, but is totally oblivious to it.

I wasted many years of my life trying to have a relationship with this man, but for some reason he was NEVER interested. We lived in the same house. My parents divorced after 51 years of marriage. He just never wanted me in his life. To answer your question am I an only child? No I’m number three of six. I’m the child lost in the shuffle. My dad had the kids he wanted, my two older brothers and my mom got her daughters, twins as a matter of fact, a couple of years younger than me. I have a younger brother who is the baby of the family.

It was another visit with my dad. Another heart breaking moment to see someone that has lost his memory and lives in a world of loneliness. He has forgotten everyone and even where he is from. I have been caring for him for the past 9 years. A responsibility I took on when my entire family kicked him to the curb, yes even my mom. Caring for someone that made your life so difficult is hard, but many times doing the right thing is hard.

I tell you this because my journey to wellness is hard. It’s not only about the physical health, but also the mental health and to a point mental may be a little more important than the physical. Physically we know what to do, eat right, exercise and get the correct amount of sleep. Mentally are we there to accomplish that, me personally, No!

I have struggled throughout my life. The past 14 years have been the worst. I have made poor decision after poor decision. I have brought my wife and I to the edge of financial ruin and have flushed my career down the toilet. I have set back and let life beat the ever living crap out of me, while working hard to please others. Enough is enough.

I sat and thought, read, meditated, self-helped podcast until my ear wax was trained and still no major changes. I have sought counseling, intensive programming and medication. Some relief but still missing the joy. The empty space is still there and searching to fill that void has been difficult. My life of being the “square peg” in a world of “round holes” has worn me out. But lately I have started to feel a big positive change.

Finding that missing piece (peace) has been difficult. I now have found what has been missing and that is a stable relationship. A relationship that I have taken for granted and neglected in so many ways. That is the relationship with my God, my Lord and Savior. My parents may not have lived or practiced God’s Words, but at least they made sure every Sunday while I was growing up I was there to hear His Words in church.

I reflect on how bad life has been the past several years, but I also know how much worse it could have been. I think about the moments when I know it could have been worse, but God does have my back. Now that I have worked at it a little harder and can see the light at the end of the tunnel, hope has returned. With hope, I can find some peace and with peace, JOY WILL return.

I walked my dad back to his room. He wants me to stay, but visiting hours are over, there are still some limitations because of COVID. I know he doesn’t remember me, but I know who he is. He is my father and I must honor him, just as I must honor my Heavenly Father. So for my dad, I can’t heal him, but if I can bring him 5 minutes of enjoyment and a smile to his face. The visit was worth it.

Stay tuned as I continue my journey and quit weighting to be.

Dad and me

Changes Made, Changes Seen

I hit rock bottom or at least my current rock bottom. I feel all walls of my life are collapsing on me. The feelings of loss, isolation, anger, failure, deception to name a few. The abandonment that I have felt over my life time and now here I am. Here I am staring down another fork in the road of my life and decisions need to be made, well I am more than ready.

I started this blog in order to track my journey to a healthier happier life. I’ve realized I have worked hard at digging myself in a deeper and deeper mental and physical hole. I have been reaching for something that wasn’t there. I was working towards a goal that was misleading and full of self destruction. Yes I was lost I. A world that I was not prepared to be in. The goal for my journey is still the same, it’s that I just need to change my approach on how to make all the changes.

The first reality I needed to face is how on my own I truly am. The world of social media and the false since of true friendships and relationships have been destroyed by our fascination with technology and the vast array if cyber relationships that we have. I’m sitting here typing my feelings and laying all my emotions on the line for the whole world to see. The strange part of all of this, I feel there is no family member or friend in my life that really cares to hear this. Yes there are professionals paid to listen to me and help me with my “issues”, but no one close to me to help down this path.

ENOUGH OF THE PITY PARTY!

I realized a couple of months ago the crash course my life was on. I had jeopardized everything in my life. Finances, health, relationships, family, trust in myself and most of all my faith. I had to drastically make some changes and get my life back on my track. I made a pledge to myself to do whatever it takes to truly accomplish my goals and dreams. So I started.

My first step is my health. I realized until I have my health in order, none of the rest would matter. Without my health, I would constantly be battling my ability to truly accomplish my goals. Feeling tired, sick and overwhelmed battling my multiple health issues would constantly keep me from success so back to a weight loss plan. WW, I’m back.

Success #1 – I have been following the weight loss plan the best that I can. I have successfully lost 26 lbs over the past three months following the plan. Not only is the weight coming off, but I’m seeing good results with some of my health issues, blood sugars and blood pressure.

Success #2 – I realized my need for income. My business is struggling and I realize the financial damage I have allowed to happen. So to start I took a weekend job at a large warehouse sorting through boxes disbursing products. I worked from 7 pm to 5:30 am. Whatever it takes. Shortly after starting this position I was offered a 2nd shift job in housekeeping for a local hospital, I accepted it and begin tomorrow. Whatever it takes. I will no longer be sorting boxes at the warehouse due to the conflict of hours, but the job allows me to continue to grow my business.

The journey continues, the struggles are real, but as long as I can take a moment and list successes, then the journey is worth it.