It’s this damn anxiety thing. I have so much negativity going on in life that it/me is keeping me from moving forward. The panic attacks are getting to me. Sleeping at times has become almost impossible. I checked out from reality for so long it is hard to get back. The damage my actions or lack of has greatly damaged my family.
The loneliness is killing me. The only people I seem to have to talk to are the professionals that are paid to listen to me. Family and friends have disappeared, I guess the depressed poor me attitude ran everyone off. When I go to work, I am surrounded by bad attitudes and negative personalities. Home isn’t any different, I think the cats are even fed up with me. So where do I go from here?
Get Past the Past
Financially I have an almost impossible mountain to climb. I have spent a lifetime seeking attention, needing to feel wanted. Trying to fit this square peg in a round hole. I can’t seem to shake the demons of my childhood and I let them define my adulthood. I have felt like a failure for over a decade and yet I do nothing to make “real” change. So here I go.
Get Past the Past
I’ve come to realize this needs to be my first step. The causes of my childhood trauma have moved on. They have either passed away or stopped communicating with me years ago. I allow people and events to control me that really have no connection with me anymore. I get anxious over situations that haven’t happen or occurred in the past. It is time to get past it all.
Remove the Toxic and Negative
This is a tough task, but not impossible. I’m surrounded by this and need to rid my life of it. This is what has caused a lot of my issues. Negative people and toxic relationships have been the norm. The positivity needs to start with me.
Square Peg Round Hole
I have felt like the square peg my whole life. Home, school and friendships. I have always felt like the odd man out. I was never option one in the social circles and dealt with a massive amount of ridicule for my weight and family. I never felt good enough so I worked hard at people pleasing, which made no difference.
Reconnect with Reality
Anxiety disconnects you and can push you from reality and cause you to shutdown, I did and it has been devastating. I need to work hard to correct my disastrous mistakes.
I need prayers. I need hope. I need to push forward and find the true enjoyment in life. That’s where I go from here.